seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
