She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
