He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
