Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
