Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize