Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I need a beard to bite.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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