i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Randomize