you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
