I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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