My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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