Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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