I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
