woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize