You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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