were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
