Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
