your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
