I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
