i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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