Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
