You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
