the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
