Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The air was thick with penises
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
