dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
