Sry I called you an 8
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
