Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
