Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
there was a trapeze. enough said
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
