i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
