Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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