you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
