Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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