OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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