hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
