The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
