The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
