He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
When are your genitals available?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
