I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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