I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
