I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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