I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
