My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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