this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
