this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You ruined the universe
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
