Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
