I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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