How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize