so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
