I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
