We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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