woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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