God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
