i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
