my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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