My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
