I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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