he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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