he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
