theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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