I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
