We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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