I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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